Tattoo Parlor Comes To Westfield

I saw this article and I couldn’t believe by eyes…

Tattoo Parlor Comes To Westfield

Upon learning that a Tattoo Parlor is moving into a yet to be disclosed downtown Westfield location, local residents are up in arms about what is to become of their beloved town.

Speaking on anonymity, the owner of the proposed Tattoo Parlor explained that he identified the town as an ideal location given its demographics and proximity to the train station.

“We hope to draw people from Newark and Plainfield to come into town on the train and get their Tats here” he said as he walked down Quimby Street noticing the large number of recent vacancies. “It should be good for the town to have us here, as our patrons are usually quite hungry after they spend so much time in the chair. There are plenty of nice places here for them to eat, especially the sushi and the burger joint. They may even shop too if there are any stores left.”

The owner believes that the relative good reputation of the town will also bring patrons from nicer suburban locations like Cranford and Summit besides Westfield itself. Apparently the rise in the number of middle age women and teenagers that are getting tattoos has made the industry quite profitable and the statistics show that being close to your customers makes a huge difference. The only problem that they anticipate facing is trying to get the town to let them stay open until midnight or even later since that’s when most people decide to get them.

“We would like to be close to one of the many bars in town since we see a lot of drunk people coming out of them on the weekends” the owner added. Apparently alcohol is good for business even though he admits that they are not supposed to service any drunken customers unless they come and sign the paperwork ahead of time. He said that for every 100 drunk people he inks he only has one or two that come back later with some form of a complaint…even less for underage kids.

“We have already decided to keep our signage relatively small and we are going to suggest that our motorcycle driving customers park their bikes on the South side of town where they will be less annoying given their loud exhaust pipes. We definately want to be on the North side however, since that’s where all the action is. We are talking to a number of residents just South of the train station about letting us set up a parking lot for motorcycles.”

One local resident voiced great distain for the proposed shop but added that if nothing can be done to get any decent establishments into the stores, that Tattoo parlors, Head Shops and quite possibly a Massage Parlor or two will probably end up coming in to fill the void.

“At least there will be some businesses to pay the property taxes and to keep people coming to town to and pay a lot of parking fines” she added. “We’ll just have to hire more police and get them new cars to drive around and patrol in. Maybe they can get a few of those fancy stand-up scooters for the parking enforcement people too.”

The long term plans of the owner are to start with a Tattoo parlor and then add a pool-hall and video game annex for his patrons to use while they wait their turn under the gun.

“You need to keep my kind of customers busy while they wait or else they get kind of excitable. We want to do everything in our power to avoid that, as we really are going to try and be good corporate citizens.”

He informs us that a special Tattoo in the shape of the Great Seal of Westfield has been designed and will be applied for free to any local politicians or members of the Downtown Westfield Corporation that would like to get one. It is about the size of a silver dollar and can be modified with a barbed wire outline if anyone likes a more deviant look.

6 Responses to “Tattoo Parlor Comes To Westfield”

  1. Stephanie Rosenbaum Says:

    Where did you see this article printed? It reads like a spoof to me.

  2. Amy Jester Says:

    Really???????? No way. I can finally get that polo pony on my left breast!

  3. Tnelson Says:

    Super-Duper site! I am loving it!! Will come back again – taking your feeds too now, Thanks.

  4. Bob Help Says:

    Tattoo parlor does not equal head shop or massage parlor. Lots of kids hang out in Mindowaskin Park drinking, smoking cigarettes and other stuff…why don’t you just get rid of the park?

  5. bronislaw Says:

  6. Westfield Residents Take Back Their Town! « John Skowronski’s Blog Says:

    […] A Mr. Robert Help has been the most vocal about the offenses and wants to close the park altogether. […]

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